Fall. Normally this is a very spiritual, calming, and peaceful time of year for me. I get to break out my "witchy" decorations with pride. I get to
This year has been different. For one thing we can't seem to get out of the 90 degree temps for the most part... yuck. It makes it hard to get into the spirit of things. Pumpkin Spice tea has been replaced with regular tea with honey and lemon as I've been sick with a cold for going on eight days. For another the Family Guy started a new job and its messed up our pay schedules so money is really short right now so daydreams of shopping for really awesome costumes and Samhain worthy items and decor are down the drain. But also because I've been going through a lot of unplanned intense inner reflection lately and therefore I've been taking something of a sabbatical from blogging.
One thing I've come to realize is that I need to stop giving myself such a hard time about my health and wellness journey. Some days I do awesome, other days are an epic fail and on those I bring out the old flogging stick for some not so kinky fun. OK... so this approach isn't working. I've decided I'm not going to be posting much weight loss related stuff anymore until significant improvement is shown. I'm still trying. I just want to refrain from the negativity of the roller coaster ride (Ohhh... I lost five pounds... oops I got depressed and gained it back plus two more). So I'll only post losses. Even if they are weeks or months apart.
A positive change that has cropped up recently in that I've made an unexpected friend. Long story short is that I connected with him through a You Tube comment (nothing weird, said person is literally my father's age). This person is a lifelong New Yorker (Brooklyn) who lost his fiancee of five years in the 9/11 attacks back in 2001. And he didn't just lose her... he lost her in an unimaginable way. The last time he ever saw her was in a news photo as she was flying downward from the top floors of the North Tower. Remember those photos? No-one talks about them. But they were very real, they happened, and a person can learn so much about their own fears when seeing them. Imagining what it is like to leap into the arms of God or to fly from this life to the next isn't really comfortable for anyone... no matter how spiritual you think you are.
Through hours of long talks I've had with this person I've gotten an inside view of what it is like to REALLY lose everything and to REALLY destroy yourself... and also what it is to turn that around and to attempt to do good for and change the world for the good for everyone INCLUDING yourself. I'm honored to have exposure to this insight.
I need to work on not only the pity parties that I sometimes have for myself that other people long ago stopped attending, but to not have my energies so scattered and to actually accomplish a few things. And I'm not talking about changing the world! I'm only talking about simple things... finishing those baby books! taking my daughter to the library instead of putting it off for weeks! start that scrapbooking again and not just dreaming about it! ...and etc. Ok. So my daughter's father is working under the table and not paying her child support and laughing at me about it. So I lose five pounds and then gain them back plus two more. So I'm a bored housewife with limited income who sits in a dark living room trying to entertain toddlers instead of having the resources to shuttle them off to gymboree classes. These things happen. I haven't lost everything. Not even close. So maybe a little more work is needed to be done on the inside before I can fix the outside. And that really is okay.
3 comments:
You're right, don't beat yourself up about stuff. Life happens, we do not always understand everything, and if we aren't kind to ourselves, then who will be? Try to enjoy what you have got and make the best choices you can make, and everything should turn out fine.
Sounds like your inner reflections are leading you to a better place. Good for you!
Man that is an awesome picture! It doesn't really feel like fall here as well, it is so freaking hot and I havn't been able to enjoy much of what little fall we are having. Ya know about it...panic attacks everyday, several times a day...most of the time I feeling so pressured that I don't even know what day it is or what time of day it is. :(
Post a Comment